


Two-way street, no red lights

by WhisperOfTheDay



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Possession, Pre-Uprising, Psychological Torture, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 08:36:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14160939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhisperOfTheDay/pseuds/WhisperOfTheDay
Summary: No one cares about the wavesAt the bottom of the ocean





	1. Chapter 1

_we will drain you we will disintegrate you cell by cell from the inside we will consume you until not a speck of your consciousness sanity identity self is left nothing but us nothing but_  
  
_excruciating_  
  
  
  
_pain_

 

 _and darkness_  
  
  
The lapses were getting frequent. Every now and then he'd come round in a strange place, doing strange things. Places he's been to, things he did as part of the dull pointless everyday routine, but sometimes he's by a small river in the park on the other side of the road, or in a new part of town. Control over his body would be thrown at him along with mud as a car sped by, beeping at that stupid drunk pedestrian who's one step away from being smashed into. It's a busy avenue he's facing, far away from the quiet downtown and the grey three-storey building where he rented a flat. On the road back he'd ponder on probability theory. Hundred more vehicles would pass by, he wouldn't flinch at the blinding light they bath him in. 

 

He could no longer tell Good days from Bad days. They all bled into one other, time seamlessly flowing forwards with nothing and nobody to slow it down.

 

Alcohol in the fridge kept appearing and disappearing seemingly without his involvement.   
  
Once, he found himself on that shitty secondhand couch in his apartment, and there were smears of blood on it, on walls, on door handles.  
  
Fortunately enough, it appeared to be his.  
  
  
_gi ve up give up giveup giveupgiveup you give up and it all ends open the door open the door open it open the way for us to claim what's ours your planet is ours it has always been ours no point no point in fighting resisting no poi n t n o p o i n t_  
  
  
  
He'd got his hands on a pistol.   
  
Somehow.  
  
  
  
_you won't you won't you won't weak weak weakweakweak_ _w e a k_

Half mad, on top of despair he pondered that he was too scared to jump off a roof ~~-~~ ~~_too long. he wanted it to be quick he needed it to be painless_ ~~. Otachi's memory of her last flight might have had something to do with it but he stopped separating his fears from theirs a long time ago. 

  
It was a brave way to go. His life or lives of billions.  
  
Having drunk 4 cups of coffee and injected himself with a doze of.. whatever drug that was, he was sure there was no way in hell they could overtake him now.   
  
Yet his frame shook, fingers wouldn't clench, he couldn't find the strength to hold it up. Sleep was a concept he had forgotten, and he was so not ready to jump into the unknown.  
  
The alternative didn't seem that much worse than the unknown  
  
_maybe_  
  
**no**  
  
  
  
  
  
He focused on them screaming and clawing at his mind threatening him  _begging him_  
  
He pulled it up, put it to his temple.  
  
He would blow their hopes up like he did last time, nobody would know what he really sacrificed, but maybe somebody up there will reward him. He's doing a good thing a good thing a _goodthingagoodthingagoodthinga g oo d thi-_  
  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
phone rang  
  
  
  
  
  
The moment his knees crushed against tile, he felt himself detach from the body  
  
  
  
Everything stopped  
  
  
  
And then was restarted  
  
  
Yet the phone kept ringing  
  
  
  
  
Nobody had called him since he left the Corps 5.. or 8.. or some other ammout of months ago, cutting all ties with them and his family too. (changed his phone changed town even the country)  
  
  
He crawled to the kitchen table, mind reborn and aflame with shame relief terror rage loathing _hope_ , and picked the vibrating glowing device  
  
  
  
  
It burned like a stove times a thousand, paralyzing his senses long unsusceptible. The cheap old phone crashed on the floor, the back case flying out, but the sound kept cutting through his ears like a scalpel.  
  
  
  
Because the part of him that lived in the past recognised the number.  
  
  
  
He was too far gone to calculate what time of day it was in Germany - _why Germany - how do you know - I don't I don't_  - but Hermann sure as hell wouldn't call unexpectedly if there was a chance he'd wake somebody up. He was nothing if not tactful. He was _he was he was_ _Meaning_ , he called because he felt it he called and kept _calling_ and c _alling_ and Newt covered his ears and Newt threw the phone into the window- he must have known- _he knows, the connection is still on, it never went away_ \- _how else to explain him knowing this number?_   This phone was garbage, and its number was only stored somewhere far away in Newt's head and _he had nowhere to go now_  
  
  
  
_he couldn't go through with this_  
  
  
_he couldn't do that to Hermann_  
  
  
_he couldn't make him suffer even more_  
  
  
_excuses_  
  
  
  
He had tried so desperately to drown the Anterverse and the kaiju and those abominations and PPDC and their Drift in alcohol and chemicals, but nothing worked.  
  
  
He would have been furious beyond belief if there still was any fight left in him.  
  
  
He was hollow. And the floor was chilling cold, reaching for his tired bones, and the voices in his head were overlaid by the sounds of nightlife and car engines, leaking through the broken window.  
  
  
He had no other choice but to give in.  
  
  
They did promise it would end once he surrendered.  
  
  
Might as well hurry up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Believe it or not, I wrote this months ago.  
> And the movie left me in pieces (but those pieces are so damn happy, you have no idea).


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little addition to make it a bit more canon compliant.

He comes back to his senses on the bathroom floor-  _was any of it real?-_ and there's a gun in his hand and its coldness burns his skin ~~like the dying red of the Anteverse burns theirs~~. He jumps and the world spins and there's the ever present screeching, horrific voices jumbling together into background static.

Sun is setting the whole apartment on fire, rising behind skyscrapers, its blinding light bleeding in through the cracked window, and there's a phone call.

 

"Doctor Newton Geiszler? Shao Industries would like to offer you a position."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any form of feedback is deeply appreciated!!
> 
> And no I'm not sorry. I suffered all this time, now you gonna suffer with me. :)

**Author's Note:**

> This monstrosity comes with [A GORGEOUS HEARTBREAKING ART](http://julientel.tumblr.com/post/172455900751/)


End file.
